Bored at work

Whilst bored at work today I decided to troll some blogs using the 'Next Blog' button. My thought was that this was supposed to bring you to a random blog. Not really. It seems that the Next Blog button consists of forcing me to go to this blog:

http://artmakers.blogspot.com/

Not that there's anything wrong with that blog but I've been here about 5 times. I think God is knocking on my blog door. He wants me to learn about art.

I'm sure there are roughly 5 million posts about American Idol, but I can't resist. How the hell is Sanjaya staying on? He must be getting a large push from the ambiguously gay vote. I say he should just come out of the closet now.

Before you get your knickers in a bunch I'm not a homophobe. One of my closest friends is gay. knowing him means I have gaydar by association.

If he continues his run on AI I'm going to petition Fox for a new show called 'Who's the next Hoff?' Of course it would center around Germany's wunderkind, David Hasselhoff. Wouldn't that be more bearable than watching Sanjaya's whimpering vocals?

I wish I was more witty.

Tall men need love too

I feel good today. I like my outfit. I like my hair. I must sound like girl. But I care about how I look. I used to look really good. I would get noticed. I still get noticed but not as much as I used to. I know it's in large part because I've put on weight. It's not an enormous amount but it's enought to make me feel a little less confident. I plan on working it off.

Editor's note: I ate lunch. I had fast food. So much for working it off

I must sound vain. I admit it. I am a little vain but to me it plays into my whole self image. It's a good thing my confidence has never wavered. I can still charm with the best of them. Once I get back in shape...look out.

There's hope for me, maybe I can follow this man's lead. He's living proof that love exists for everyone. All I have to do is grow to over 7 feet and move to China. I'll get right on that.

I'll have to tell you about my coworker Fredo sometime. In a nutshell I plan on kicking his ass if he continues to irritate me. First I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to not shout when he talks. If he refuses to comply then I'll have to drop kick him in the jewels.

I've had some pretty good days lately. I haven't let things with Beautiful get to me. I think that's the key. However, by not letting things get to me, I've managed to not care as much. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

I was at one of our other offices the other day and a woman working there was excited to tell me that she went shopping. She says, 'You're into fashion, I went shopping over the weekend and bought some of the cutest outfits.' Then she says, 'What are you doing tonight? I have a window of about two hours to get out. A group of us from the office are having drinks. You should come.'

This woman is married. I wasn't sure how to take it. She's pretty good looking though. I don't really know much else about her. She's new to our company. I want to say she was coming on to me, despite her married situation. She's made it a point to touch me in various ways. Whether it be an elbow to scoot by or a hand on my back, she's made contact.

I politely declined. I wonder if I'm going ot kick myself in the ass for declining.

This is how my day goes generally. One of my coworkers swears that I get flirted with a lot. I think so but I've also noticed that it's married women that flirt with me the most. There's one girl that bakes me cakes. She's married too. I swear that any day she's wearing a tight shirt, she stops by my office to chat. She's cute too but she's young and a newlywed. I'd hate to fuck up her marriage so quickly and early on.

To my credit, I haven't done anything with anyone at work. Well there is the one girl but that's different. I'll tell you about it later.

Some days I feel like I've completely lost control of my life. I can picture this wild spiral of events that is my life. Part of me wants to fix it but another part of me likes the challenge of it.

I'd say that most my life I've had things go my way. Things just always seem to work out for me. It's different to not be in control of things. In a warped way I think I like it.

Now if I could only find that one girl to make me happy than I would be set. Unfortunately I'm not sure that she exists. The company I work for brings me in to contact with a lot of beautiful woman but so far I haven't found one that fits me, or that I fit.

My company recently went on a huge hiring spree. One of the new hires doesn't like me much, but he's new so I could give a fuck. I think he's bothered by the fact that he's way older than I am but I get paid more. Maybe I'll buy him lunch....at an expensive restaurant!

I think I'm starting to get the hang of this blogging thing.

How wrong is wrong?

I actually feel good today. Beautiful and I spoke for a while with no arguing. I wonder though, is that a product of my caring less or is it a sign of understanding between us? I really have no idea which it is.

We argued a few days ago about stupid stuff as usual. I think very few of our arguments are based on anything worth arguing about. For some reason we seem to fall into the same trap over and over. Of course I take blame for some it. I know I did some wrong. But how wrong was it? I didn't cheat, the ultimate wrong.

We seem to diverge in opinions when it comes to right and wrong. Although she'll argue otherwise, to her, wrong is wrong. I believe there are big wrongs and little wrongs. Everyone makes little wrongs. In my eyes, all my wrongs are little ones. In her eyes I'm just plain wrong.

For this reason, I may never be able to recover from my 'little wrong.' For this reason I may not want to ever recover.

Beautiful

One of things about beautiful was her lack of self confidence. She was, aptly named by me, beautiful. What I found is that the most beautiful women often times can be the most lacking when it comes to confidence.

Too many times I found myself trying to build her up. I believed in her. She didn't believe in her. It begs, would I rather have a woman that's beautiful with no confidence? Or would I rather have an average looking woman that had all the confidence in the world? I think I'll take the average looking woman that knows she can do things.

I think Beautiful had anger issues too. She would get angry at a moments notice, at anything. I think this was a major part of our undoing.

What did I learn from my time with Beautiful? I learned self control. I learned how to love even when I didn't feel like loving. I learned that I need more.

I haven't found it yet.

More about me

Often times I wonder about things. I think about my past and how it shaped my present. I think a lot of this blog will be me recounting past relationships. I tend to be a bit introspective from a silent place. I rarely let my thoughts be known.

I miss that part of me.

Do I miss anyone from my past? No, not really. I don't really ever miss anyone or anything. That could be both a good thing or a bad thing.

I dated this one girl in my past. I'll call her Beautiful. In the beginning everything went so well. She was all that I could ask for in a woman. But as things progressed, I started to notice all the little cracks in her facade. It's not as if I were being picky either. I started to notice the things that made her un-beautiful. Over time the un-beautiful things about her started to overshadow the beautiful things about her, to the point where it became unbearable.

I still talk to her. She has hopes of working things out. I'm not sure where I stand on it. She wants kids. I don't, at least not until way later in life. I enjoy having no ties. I would miss picking up at a moment's notice and leaving for destinations unknown.

I think that's part of the problem. I enjoy having no ties. I want my cake and to eat it too. I love women and it doesn't make me good relationship material. I'm not some whore by any means, but I do enjoy the company of a woman. If I could enjoy a woman without the hurdles of a relationship then I would. I don't make this a secret. I'm upfront about it. I've heard so many times that that's what a woman wants - the intimacy (all forms, not just sex) without the hardships and heartbreak. Inevitably it all ends up the same, the woman wants more which I can't offer.

I'm that confusing.

Anathematik

Where do I begin? I think explaining the name of this blog is a good start. Anathema in a nutshell is being cursed or excommunicated. That above all is a fitting description of my ups and downs. I realize how serious, and quite possibly boring, this sounds but life isn't all that bad. I just have my bumps and bruises like anyone else.

I'm not one to believe in a higher power. Like most, I pray only in times of need. I like the title simply for it's irony. On the one hand I decry faith, of which I have little, on the other hand anathema is a word commonly used in the church.

Bring forth the sarcasm, witticisms, debauchery and mockery that is my life.